The World’s Most Dangerous Dogs

I imagine that there should be a piece on Animal Planet, the History Channel, et al, that needs a new angle: perhaps to uncover the world’s most astounding, vicious, and dangerous dogs. After all they’ve covered everything else and they’re probably running out of material. So it could be as I would depict it…

…Our attention must focus on the world’s most dangerous dogs. We will rank the danger dogs starting with the number 10 on the Dog Danger Scale.The most dangerous dogs in the world. The show begins…

10. The Sub Toy Chihuahua. Our experts consider it to be one of the most dangerous dogs in the world partially because of its extremely minute size. A Sub Toy Chihuahua attains an average height of 102 millimeters. When they bark as all Chihuahuas do, the pitch of their tiny barks is high enough to crack car windshields making the hapless driver unable to see oncoming traffic… often resulting in fatal accidents. For the reason that the deaths are almost always unintentional, we rate the Toy Chihuahua at number 10, yet still one of the World’s Most Dangerous Dogs.

9. The number 9 position is held by the Pug. Often referred to as the Chinese Pug because of its prominence in Chinese History. In the past, many of the Chinese emperors had them as lap dogs; however, there is a darker side to the Pug. They were utilized initially as attack dogs to keep out the barbarians from entering to the Chinese side of the Great Wall. However, when placed in roles of high stress, i.e., attack, guarding, etc., the Pug ran and hid in nearby streams. Regardless, they were utilized by the Chinese primarily as attack dogs because that’s all that they had at the time. In fact, the only way a pug would ever attack an armed barbarian was only in the unlikely event he had a piece of beef attached to his sleeve or shield. However, because the Pug was used historically as an attack dog despite, their battlefield incompetence, we have to rate them Number 9 in the Danger Dog Scale.

8. In the 8th Position is the Romanian Hockey Hound. So named because during the communist era in Romania, under a plan masterminded by Nicolae Ceausescu, the former megalomaniac leader, Romanian hockey coaches would train these usually docile dogs to attack any member of an opposing team that was hitting the puck. It was believed that the Hungarians had brain washed their dogs using a form of Veterinary Transference Psychology (VTP) into believing that a hockey puck was their master. As soon as the opposing team hit a puck, the dog was placed on the ice with specially fitted skates and would immediately attack the opposing team. This so spooked their competition that Hungary’s team typically placed at least in the top 5 in the Olympics. Because this type of dog is not normally a menace to Hungarian society, but only aggressive when placed on the ice, we have to give the Number 8 ranking to the Romanian Hockey Hound.

7. Number 7 on the Danger Dog Scale is the Ukrainian Saint Bernard dog. Traditionally, Saint Bernards are known for saving downed skiers with a little bit of brandy and the ability to drag almost anything, including a NY City Bus down a mountain side. However, the Ukrainian breed has a very checkered past. They invariably find skiers and always attempt to rescue them, but because of their incredible clumsiness, the Ukrainian breed usually winds up causing an avalanche resulting in the death or maiming of the stricken skier. Because Ukraine has so few sizable mountains, and the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant meltdown has kept the mountain passes at a pleasant 73 Fahrenheit year round, the death toll is only a fraction of what it would be if these same dogs worked the Alps. When asked why they keep on using the Ukrainian Breed instead of the more sure footed Western European varieties, the Ukrainian Ski Patrol always answers this way, “Well…they’re cheap!” accompanied with a shrug of their shoulders. For this reason and for the many deaths caused unwittingly by this dog, we place the Ukrainian Saint Bernard at the Number 7 ranking.


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